the following is what chan keet tagged which i found enlightening and thank you for reinforcing my direction =)
"the day when the roots decompose, the nutrients will be a part of your life that leads tothe efflorescence of a new beginning.keep the memories, but dont dwell on them."

i found what i'm looking for.
im proud of myself.

after a one n a half hour conversation over the phone with my dear cousins, from after dinner to 10pm, i've learnt quite a bit.
what you see below are some parts reproduced from our conversation or added on, but it doesnt necessary mean it applies to me.
they're there because i figured that somehow someday they would have a purpose.i think.=D
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
you sowed the seed.
the roots developed.
sometimes you'd water it.
sometimes you abandoned it till the plant wilted.
but even if the plant wilted and became an eyesore and a pain in the ass,
there's no way i can remove it.

because its roots are firmly anchored...

in my heart.

so tell me, do i have to remove my heart
so that it can stop beating
to remove that plant?
--nice anecdote don't you think so?=)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
gambling is a game i refuse to play...
because i risk losing everything..
why take the chance?

im(we're) not that dumb.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
after a flood everything is renewed.
so i say,
let's flood the house.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
what can flow like a river
down the arc of your cheek?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

and i say;
im done;
im moving on.

some random things:
me: (turns on tv) wah seh, the tv how come so good today!!o.O
dad: cos he knows we're gonna throw him away.heh. (grins)

me:dad can you fill in this PSG form?
dad: (fills in: starts ranking events)
me: ORGANIC FOOD MY ASS
dad: OII i eat organic food OK!!

me: daddy can u pls bring back ultraviolet?
dad: yeah whatever
me: you'd better you NINCOMPOOP
dad: OK im not going to listen -.-

me(w mum n dad): ...... you cow!-- (to dad)
mum: blink blink* she called you a cow (grins)
dad: i KNOW -.- she called me a lot of names =.=

me: russell peters damn cool! (imitates the beating the kids one)
sis:HEY DADDY LOOK AT ME!! (then sis says: F*** YOU DAD!, in imitation of russell peters)
(n if you think the F*** you wasnt bad,she pointed the middle finger too -.-)
dad and me:start laughing and dad goes =.=

DID YOU SEE THAT INCREDIBLE HULK COASTER IN THE NEWS TODAY?!
I WANNA RIDE THAT.=)
they had so better sign the contract!

ok i admit.
im a roller-coaster fanatic =D
but i only want those that goes real fast, drops almost vertically, or goes 360
u get what i mean. extreme ones.
yeah i'm a thrill seeker.
i love theme parks!!
the last time i went to Genting (last yr i suppose)
my cousins and i played till the park closed.
as in spooky closed.cos there was NO ONE around.
not even the ppl manning the rides.
it was so empty and quiet and foggy.
like some ghost town..
cos we took the last rides for the day.
like we sat corkscrew 5X dat day. 4x consecutively at night..
it's that 360 w drops one.haha
it's the most zai ride in the park! after solero shots (the shoot-up then back down one)
-----------------------
the first thing that happened to me when i woke up this morning:
mum and sis laughing at me.

they were like, 11 already still dun wanna get up.=.=
then sis was like, so much for 8AM HUH.
like not my fault,THEY SHOULD HAVE WOKEN ME UP
haha..so damn! nearly the entire morn was gone.
i did 7C FINALLY (some yesterday and today)
haven't touched chem yet XD
but i shall start like..
NOW.

i think there's something really wrong with me. =s
no like seriously, yesterday after that BIG BREAKFAST at KAP at 7.45am, i didnt eat anything till dinner. and the funny thing was, i wasnt hungry. i didnt get hunger pangs or anything. i rem feeling that im not hungry and i dun wanna eat.
then since last night's dinner at 7+, the only thing between then till dinner today was ONE hot dog -.-. n I DIDNT EVEN FEEL HUNGRY DURING DINNER today.
something must really be wrong with me.
DON'T TELL ME I HAVE ANOREXIA.
lol..hmm..i don't think i'm fat, i think i'm skinny! (see that proves i don't have anorexia cos anorexic people think they're FAT.=D)
eunice says it's probably over mugging and over concentration or something..i hope so.=/
im freaking myself out..
------------------
today's GP was uh..i hope my essay's ok but the compre was like .. well, i guess it's the vocab part n AQ that sucked.. AQ sucked cos i was totally incoherent in my arguments, if there were any, i was merely rambling on about sth which i cant rem.SEEE? cos i didnt make any sense..pls let me passs
then econs was..well,i guess there's no need for me to paint the picture for you since everyone has probably gone around complaining and lamenting to each other or whatever..
it was SHITTY.i just pray Dr Siva will be ever so nice and not fail us XD.
i really hope chem n maths n bio would be ok..
maths is the ultimate considering the fact that im STILL at 7c after so long..n i wanna get a C in maths, ok maybe D, which means i gotta get a C for promos..pretty impossible..unless they decided to set a manageable paper =/
aiyah.
some things cant be helped.
n i decided i must enjoy this period cos after the exams, i'd probably wanna remind the time back to the exams so that i can get to feel that freedom after the papers.
is that a weird thought?
ok it's 9pm now n i havent mugged today so i SHALL soon =) after playing the piano

the one thing i like about promos:
it keeps my mind off things that i shouldn't be thinking about.

one new thing i got today:
a necklace with a cross pendant from holland, studded w diamonds w a small pic of a windmill in the centre
THANKYOU DADDY!=)

one phrase that i encountered today:
if you love something, let it go.
if it was meant to be, it will come back to you.
- mediator series; 6th book

one thing i'm worried about:
promos

five things im looking forward to:
shopping, sleeping, iceskating, slacking, cooking

i just wanted to say
things are not what they seem
ive been meaning to say it since sept hols
but somehow i was thinking that i don't really care what people are gonna think anw
it isnt always that issue.

i will say it again
i'm indifferent.and im fine.
honest.

this is just a random thought after talking to kaishi =) for ONE hour from 11pm-12mn
-taking a break from mugging.

facades and more facades.
what do we really see?
what's there and what's not?
how much do you reveal?
self preservation underlies everything again.

so tell me,
where should i go now
and what should i do
to satisfy us both
is that not true

eunice drew this on MSN=)

it means A LOT to me.

aiyah.
im tired of repeating myself.
and im tired of verbalizing my thoughts.
i know they don't make sense.
it's not my fault they come randomly.

so for the sake of everyone,
i shall keep things to myself.
it makes life simpler.

self preservation

speculation
it's not true.
happy?

i know i've said this before on June 20.
but somehow it's germane here..
so i shall just pen it down again:
why must i keep fighting in the dark for something i know i want to get, but at the same time realise in the pitch black darkness, my fingers will never grasp it?

it's simply out of my reach.

wo3 lei4 le3.
qi1 ji1 shi4 bu4 ke3 neng2 hui4 fa1 sheng1 de4.
jiu4 suan4 zhi1 dao4 he2 jie1 shou4 zhe4 ge4 shi4 shi2,
wo3 hai2 shi4 bu4 neng2 wan2 quan2 fang4 xia4.
-it's not what i want-

(koped this from 05s75 class blog)
a long story.. but one of the most worthwhile story ever.
i promise.
-----------
By the time I was ten, I was totally ashamed of my father. All my friends called him names: Quasi-Moto, hunchback, monster, little Frankenstein, the crooked little man with the crooked little cane. At first it hurt when they called him those things, but soon I found myself agreeing with them. He was ugly, and I knew it!

My father was born with something called parastremmatic dwarfism. The disease made him stop growing when he was about thirteen and caused his body to twist and turn into a grotesque shape. It wasn't too bad when he was a kid. I saw pictures of him when he was about my age. He was a little short but quite good-looking. Even when he met my mother and married her when he was nineteen, he still looked pretty normal. He was still short and walked with a slight limp, but he was able to do just about anything. Mother said, "He even used to be a great dancer."

Soon after my birth, things started getting worse. Another genetic disorder took over, and his left foot started turning out, almost backward. His head and neck shifted over to the right; his neck became rigid and he had to look over his left shoulder a bit. His right arm curled in and up, and his index finger almost touched his elbow. His spine warped to look something like a big, old roller coaster and it caused his torso to lie sideways instead of straight up and down like a normal person. His walk became slow, awkward, and deliberate. He had to almost drag his left foot as he used his deformed right arm to balance his gait.I hated to be seen with him. Everyone stared. They seemed to pity me. I knew he must have done something really bad to have God hate him that much.

By the time I was seventeen, I was blaming all my problems on my father. I didn't have the right boyfriends because of him. I didn't drive the right car because of him. I wasn't pretty enough because of him. I didn't have the right jobs because of him. I wasn't happy because of him.
Anything that was wrong with me, or my life, was because of him. If my father had been good-looking like Jane's father, or successful like Paul's father, or worldly like Terry's father, I would be perfect! I knew that for sure.

The night of my senior prom came, and Father had to place one more nail in my coffin; he had volunteered to be one of the chaperones at the dance. My heart just sank when he told me. I stormed into my room, slammed the door, threw myself on the bed, and cried. "Three more weeks and I'll be out of here!" I screamed into my pillow. "Three more weeks and I will have graduated and be moving away to college." I sat up and took a deep breath. "God, please make my father go away and leave me alone. He keeps sticking his big nose in everything I do. Just make him disappear, so that I can have a good time at the dance.

"I got dressed, my date picked me up, and we went to the prom. Father followed in his car behind us.
When we arrived, Father seemed to vanish into the pink chiffon drapes that hung everywhere in the auditorium. I thanked God that He had heard my prayer. At least now I could have some fun.

Midway through the dance, Father came out from behind the drapes and decided to embarrass me again. He started dancing with my girlfriends. One by one, he took their hand and led them to the dance floor. He then clumsily moved them in circles as the band played. Now I tried to vanish into the drapes.

After Jane had danced with him, she headed my way. Oh, no! I thought. She's going to tell me he stomped on her foot or something.
"Grace," she called, "you have the greatest father."
My face fell. "What?"
She smiled at me and grabbed my shoulders. "Your father's just the best. He's funny, kind, and always finds the time to be where you need him. I wish my father was more like that."
For one of the first times in my life, I couldn't talk. Her words confused me.
"What do you mean?" I asked her.
Jane looked at me really strangely. "What do you mean, what do I mean? Your father's wonderful. I remember when we were kids, and I'd sleep over at your house. He'd always come into your room, sit down in the chair between the twin beds, and read us a book. I'm not sure my father can even read," she sighed, and then smiled. "Thanks for sharing him."

Then, Jane ran off to dance with her boyfriend.I stood there in silence.A few minutes later, Paul came to stand beside me."He's sure having a lot of fun."
"What? Who? Who is having a lot of fun?" I asked.
"Your father. He's having a ball."
"Yeah. I guess." I didn't know what else to say.
"You know, he's always been there," Paul said. "I remember when you and I were on the mixed-doubles soccer team. He tried out as the coach, but he couldn't run up and down the field, remember? So they picked Jackie's father instead. That didn't stop him. He showed up for every game and did whatever needed to be done. He was the team's biggest fan. I think he's the reason we won so many games. Without him, it just would have been Jackie's father running up and down the field yelling at us. Your father made it fun. I wish my father had been able to show up to at least one of our games. He was always too busy."
Paul's girlfriend came out of the restroom, and he went to her side, leaving me once again speechless.

My boyfriend came back with two glasses of punch and handed me one.
"Well, what do you think of my father?" I asked out of the blue.
Terry looked surprised. "I like him. I always have."
"Then why did you call him names when we were kids?"
"I don't know. Because he was different, and I was a dumb kid."
"When did you stop calling him names?" I asked, trying to search my own memory.
Terry didn't even have to think about the answer. "The day he sat down with me outside by the pool and held me while I cried about my mother and father's divorce. No one else would let me talk about it. I was hurting inside, and he could feel it. He cried with me that day. I thought you knew."

I looked at Terry and a tear rolled down my cheek as long-forgotten memories started cascading into my consciousness.
When I was three, my puppy got killed by another dog, and my father was there to hold me and teach me what happens when the pets we love die.
When I was five, my father took me to my first day of school. I was so scared. So was he. We cried and held each other that first day. The next day he became teacher's helper.
When I was eight, I just couldn't do math. Father sat down with me night after night, and we worked on math problems until math became easy for me.
When I was ten, my father bought me a brand-new bike. When it was stolen, because I didn't lock it up like I was taught to do, my father gave me jobs to do around the house so I could make enough money to purchase another one.
When I was thirteen and my first love broke up with me, my father was there to yell at, to blame, and to cry with.
When I was fifteen and I got to be in the honor society, my father was there to see me get the accolade. Now, when I was seventeen, he put up with me no matter how nasty I became or how high my hormones raged.

As I looked at my father dancing gaily with my friends, a big toothy grin on his face, I suddenly saw him differently. The handicaps weren't his, they were mine! I had spent a great deal of my life hating the man who loved me. I had hated the exterior that I saw, and I had ignored the interior that contained his God-given heart.

I suddenly felt very ashamed.I asked Terry to take me home, too overcome with feelings to remain.

On graduation day, at my Christian high school, my name was called, and I stood behind the podium as the valedictorian of my class. As I looked out over the people in the audience, my gaze rested on my father in the front row sitting next to my mother. He sat there, in his one and only, specially made suit, holding my mother's hand and smiling.Overcome with emotions, my prepared speech was to become a landmark in my life.
"Today I stand here as an honor student, able to graduate with a 4.0 average. Yes, I was in the honor society for three years and was elected class president for the last two years. I led our school to championship in the debate club, and yes, I even won a full scholarship to Kenton State University so that I can continue to study physics and someday become a college professor."
"What I'm here to tell you today, fellow graduates, is that I didn't do it alone. God was there, and I had a whole bunch of friends, teachers, and counselors who helped. Up until three weeks ago, I thought they were the only ones I would be thanking this evening. If I had thanked just them, I would have been leaving out the most important person in my life. My father."

I looked down at my father and at the look of complete shock that covered his face.I stepped out from behind the podium and motioned for my father to join me onstage. He made his way slowly, awkwardly, and deliberately. He had to drag his left foot up the stairs as he used his deformed right arm to balance his gait.

As he stood next to me at the podium, I took his small, crippled hand in mine and held it tight.

"Sometimes we only see the silhouette of the people around us," I said. "For years I was as shallow as the silhouettes I saw. For almost my entire life, I saw my father as someone to make fun of, someone to blame, and someone to be ashamed of. He wasn't perfect, like the fathers my friends had."
"Well, fellow graduates, what I found out three weeks ago is that while I was envying my friends' fathers, my friends were envying mine. That realization hit me hard and made me look at who I was and what I had become. I was brought up to pray to God and hold high principles for others and myself. What I've done most of my life is read between the lines of the Good Book so I could justify my hatred."
Then, I turned to look my father in the face.
"Father, I owe you a big apology. I based my love for you on what I saw and not what I felt. I forgot to look at the one part of you that meant the most, the big, big heart God gave you. As I move out of high school and into life, I want you to know I could not have had a better father. You were always there for me, and no matter how badly I hurt you, you still showed up. Thank you!"

I took off my mortar board and placed it on his head, moving the tassel just so."You are the reason I am standing here today. "
"You deserve this honor, not me."
And as the audience applauded and cried with us, I felt God's light shining down upon me as I embraced my father more warmly than I ever had before, tears unashamedly falling down both our faces.

For the first time, I saw my father through God's eyes, and I felt honored to be seen with him.
------------------

some things to consider: (taken from a chain mail)
-I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say.
-Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them (if u have that courage,i envy you)
-Have u ever decided not 2 become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person?
-Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you?
-Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle?
-Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump.
-Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had (i realise more often than not, we would end up regretting)
-What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have them? (nothing!)

today's DAD'S BIRTHDAY!!=)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY!! *muacks* -BIIGG HUG

haha.i know my dad reads my blog so he'll prob see that!=)
anw we went to Jack's Place for dinner.
needless to say, im super full cos i ate lamb chop and fish combo.
ALL BY MYSELF.haha.
then after that, we walked around abit.
just got back n i immediately switched on my com cos i had to blog abt this:
MY BROTHER'S HAMSTER DIED.

it's pretty saddening =(
another reminder of the cycle of life.
i hate seeing lifeless bodies.
it makes me depressed.
i wanted to make it a nice coffin - u know, put cotton wool and stuff and scotchtape it tightly so no disgusting insects can ever get to it.
but dad put it in a plastic bag and threw it away!!
that made me mad i tell you.
honestly, one thing i cant stand is treating dead animals in such an unrespectful manner.
i was hunting for a box at that time and in the space of 3 mins, everything was done.

we decided we shall NOT keep any more hamsters.
though they're so cute and soft but knowing that they'll die some day hurts.

i rem the time when my hamster started aging.
it contracted cancer and its fur started falling out (not a lot)
it was so painful watching it in that state.='(
because it was and still is the smartest hamster u'll ever see.
he knew how to get our attention for food.
he could SIT. -im not kidding.
we used to let him sit on our sofa while we watch tv.
he was so tame anyone could pick it up. -he didnt bite
and if u started stroking him, he'll lie down and let you.
even my mum loved him.
he let us play with his soft tiny cute padded paws.

when he started getting weaker, i would stroke him every night and he'd lay so still and peaceful sometimes i thought he had moved on...
and when he finally did, needless to say, i cried.


my darling hammy sweetie,
I LOVE YOU

time to mug.
time for intensive studying.
the past few days have been a slacky blur.
but i shall focus now.

am i right?

the two good things about promos:
1) it gets your mind off stuff that your mind has been dwelling on for a while
2) makes you productive and organised ( cos of planning)
3) after that, it's PARTY TIME!! haha.

bad things abt promos:
1) cant go on MSN as often/stay as long
2) cant watch too much tv nor movies
3) cant slack arnd
4) sleep less
5) the stress setting in
6) cant go out as much
7) and the list goes on..

and byee..back to mug
after 2 hrs of slackiness

it'sNOTme.

i cooked tuna pasta just now!
haha..now i feel like an accomplished cook.lol.
but it took me 30 mins.
cos the first time,i didnt cook enough pasta -.-
i mean i THOUGHT i didnt cook enough,
but it's more than enough
so yeah, now there's leftovers =.=

then the onions at home are TINY
it's irritating getting the skin off them
tiny is supposed to be all nice n angelic (me of course! ok KIDDING)
haha.ok anw, then i had a hard time deciding the size of frying pan to use
in the end i used my miniature one
which meant i had to cook two rounds!
how dumb
basically u just dump the tuna flakes in oil, add the onions, add herbs, and dump the pasta in,then u fry until u think it's ok

i feel so PRO
but now it means i gtg wash everything up
sian.
then MUG.sickening..
so much to do till i dunno where to start.
only 2wks and 6 days left...

i realise all my MSN nicks or personal msgs have had double meanings since last week.
it's a form of self-preservation
/give me a sign/

i know this sounds crazy but after ranting everything in Word this afternoon at 4+, i finally managed to rid myself of all emotions and simultaneously felt that spurt of energy to just study and study.
which of course i didnt fully manage to.lol.
cos it was going to be dinner soon anyway.haha.
i realise now that i cant keep things bottled inside me.
it affects me in a lot of ways.
i will lose my mood to study and stuff. and i'll just feel like sleeping all the time.
which was what ive been doing!!rraahhh
till i got a headache (from sleeping too much)
so anyway, i felt so proud of myself =)

oohhh yes, i watched just my luck while eating dinner.

i wonder how im going to do tonight.
there's NO ONE at home.
i think i'll get scared O.O
aaiiieee
just thinking of how i have to turn off all the lights one by one freaks me out..
n im going to have to survive like that for the next few days
-shivers-

/immunity/

just like cancer
im having a relapse.

just when i thought i could get rid of it
it seeped into me again.


you can close your doors to keep out burglars and theives
but can you shut your mind to keep someone out?

i simply refuse to let myself get hurt.
not again.
i need to block you or sth.

through the trees
i will find you
i will heal the ruins left inside you;



samantha.nus med class of 2013!hwachong apollo.shopaholic.danceaddicted.
currently having horrible hair.loves you.


my straight hair back!
money!a job!





fungmin | yushu | eunice | ivan | nicholas | reihorng | siyun | sophia | terry | TWIN(: | TWIN'S BLOGSHOP | valerie | wahtoon | yueqi | yuting | suelynn | MichelleTAY |

June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
November 2009
March 2013


1 2 3 4